and this is another way to die.

i realized that i've just been lying and lying and not doing much else, these days.
finished wind up bird chronicle last night and just stared at the wall for at least an hour (if not more) after closing the book.
so many many things left unanswered. and so many more things for me to think about now. i've come to at least a few conclusions though. they're hard, but necessary and, i think, correct. relief will come, i'm sure.
i don't even think it will be as hard as i'm guessing it might be.
my head's all buzzy after the book and i feel like i've lost a friend, as i'm no longer carrying it around with me.
there's nothing to dive back into, nowhere to hide now. nothing but the four shining and bright-white new notebooks waiting for me.
of course, now i'm anxious about actually using the pen i had been waiting for. of course now i'm trying to put it off. but the thoughts keep coming and i need to get them down before they all evaporate off.

i'll see you soon.