"i put the knife into the top of his skull, so he would stop fighting."

i ran today
i got up with the sun and went to the ocean and i ran
and i couldn't breathe with my lungs on fire, paralyzing my chest, and i ran
and my shoulder cramped and bound itself up in pain and i ran
process
and my knees felt like they were ripping apart and i ran
psychorea
and i got soaked in foamy, dirty sea water and i ran
testure
and i realized i've lost a ton of the muscle tissue that has any chance of keeping my joints together and i ran
addiction
and i'm going to run tomorrow.

today's episode is brought to you by STEROIDS, of which i am unfortunately gradually decreasing my dosage. (boo.)

steroids DO make you stronger and faster and drunkerer, but contrary to what the wrestler will tell you, it does not take away ALL the pain. or even most of the pain.

no dolphins today, but plenty of surfers and massive clouds wrapping round the end of the earth.
i had forgotten that even with a warm, summer ocean, the water is shockingly, knock-the-breath-out-of-you cold when you walk straight into the water immediately after you stop.
stunningly great, bright, electrical/tingly feeling - like when i was in fourth grade, learning to type, and my fingers felt like they were being misted with tiny water droplets from the inside.
i swear, there's nothing like this. running between houses, wearing shoes, on pavement, or on grass or in the woods can never be the same once you've run in this ocean, on this beach.

this morning told me no one is to blame for my lack of "art" but me. it stopped when i stopped doing it for a living. thought i could make it without 24 hour access and i couldn't. now i need to see if it's dead or just dormant.

my asshole itches.
i need more whiskey.

oh yeah - i'm going to try "reading" again. picked up wind-up bird chronicle (to make up for an illegally procured copy i never managed to read before mailing away. also, after reading a wad of his other books that all say, "author of the wind-up bird chronicle" i figured it was time to see what all the cover-hype was about. don't tell me.) and gödel, escher, bach (thanks, t.) and plan on more than a few papercuts. if nothing else, i won't need to work my arms.

gotta ice or i won't be walking tomorrow, much less running.