i want to say i wish i hadn't

breaking up in stages
and waves of pain and ebbs of deafening white noise
and it's not getting easier.
brotherman said it would get easier after the first week.
i'm so angry it's building a rock hard pit in my ribcage.
we play kirby together to pretend it's not there with us.
he's already over it. he doesn't understand why i'm upset.
i feel like a monster.
he feels disillusioned by our relationship, whatever that means. he's ready to be single.
he couldn't care less if i fucked entire the lower east side.
but he loves me and is in love with me.
my entire chest front is one large bruise.

it's killing me that i can see him going to the life i wanted to have had with him.
i feel like i had to wait and now he's ready and what i wanted and he's leaving for our life without me.

gonna quit this week, after my insurance-covered doctor's appointment. have to stop at least a little bit of the bullshit deluge in my life.
i'm finally ready and it's too late.
i'm so angry i can't look anyone in the eye.